past tense

Today I'm preparing myself for enjoyment and easy-going atmosphere. I hope to eat some flavorful asian cuisine and take in the quality time with family. I've seen alot of family over the past week. I said to a friend...at times it felt like I was an ambasador communicating between two countries. I'm not sure how the negotiations went, don't recall any treaties being signed, but I got out feeling okay and I made some fabulous oatmeal cookies. There were other highlights in my journey...but not a public posting.

"At the touch of love everyone becomes a poet" -Plato

So I am packing.....I repaired my zipper on my trusty backpack. Goal #1 accomplished.
My trip evokes many stresses, yet a sense of relief. This impending trip has been coming. It has been reevaluated because of the onslaught of hindrances regarding a nasty infection. The infection aforementioned, is not the nasty antibiotic-treated kind, it is one of the heart.
I type and realize that my self will fly, eat and leave, with the uneasy sense that I may have accomplished nothing. Nothing? Hmmmm....Not nothing, but not the task that I originally set out to accomplish. And yet, I wonder if these things all happen for a reason? My timeline lessoned. My journey, the way, is another way for me to continue this dialogue of the self. I await that talk and emotional clarity. Maybe the lack of the task, hindrance, emotional drain, is the peace I've been looking for? I will find my way in the journey. On the endless road I wait......

Room with a view

When I lived in Fresno, I always found myself longing to get away. Mostly to where there was a great body of water. I thought of this just today when I was riding the bus, and looking out the window. Beyond the city skyline there were the west hills, dotted with pine trees as far as the eye could see. And in this sight, I could also feel the anticipation of spring. The rebirth.
The city of my current life, is moving with the ebb and flow of the river. The river quenches the need for change. A city this size needs the movement of nature to cleanse and regenerate. A water-sign like myself knows this thirst. Fresno was barely 300 ft. above sea level. A sprawling place that tried to thrive with little waterfall. Life will cease to exist without water. Man-made irrigation kept Fresno's populous able to survive... but survival is different than living.

The reason I like Thompson is because he lived in a dual being. He let out the crazy one more, but underneath all the drugs and painted exterior he was a caring man. A tortured man under the guise of a underrated maniac. He was a piece of painted cake.

Small doses of me

Recently I was told I was easy to talk to because I'm a real person. Afterwards I thought, "Sometimes I'm a little to much reality for some people." There are some persons you can try your hardest to connect with, and the real you they will just walk away from.

Tonights selection

My morning cup of rant

So the desk calendar I purchased the day they went half priced is of Mark Twain quotes. Today reads;

"You can't reason with your heart, it has its own laws, and thumps about things which the intellect scorns."

How extremely fitting.....
I being of sound mind, and of the female side of the species, should know better about following my own intuitions. Alas, no. I have given others the benefit of the doubt so I may run amok in my own fantasy, trying to capture and hold onto something that never will. Its very funny, the advice I find myself dishing out to others, and have been told, just recently in fact, that I should seek a career in the field of therapy. But, funny thing about therapists, they usually have fucked up relations too. We are all just human. I am forgiving myself for having been led astray. Now that I am aware of my present situation and all the lies and deceit, I can no longer continue to be drug through the dredges of her muck. So, dear readers, this is a quasi-apology to myself for the beatings. But I won't be so forgiving if I let it happen again. Thanks, I feel better about today after letting that out a little.

Cancerian feeling her moon

My posts coincide with my cycle.

For you

So my cell phone is almost dead.... It's sitting in the corner of the room on the charger. I am feeling less than poetic and you can tell from my previous posts I am capable of weaving some cryptic feely shit. But tonight its about staying warm ,while on the phone in the driveway, for a length with my best friend, while drinking southern comfort and coke. I watch my dog run out and bark at passers by and apologize for my rudeness. Overall I am still an attentive chatty bitch. I love Aisha for being the same, and I expect her to call me, forever till we die. Because we have established ourselves as sisters. Beyond color, beyond orientation and certainly beyond who our mothers are. She is mine. And I hers. We have touched, lived and lost together, as friends do. Over time this is an earned thing. Seeing each others lives and being comfortable with the space you have been put in. And with all of my friends I expect this sameness. This space we have been allotted. This loving place we have made our way to. Because with friends we have an understanding and forgiveness that not all families have. Not the same dynamic and forgiveness-Because here, in this friend, this person, stranger, I have decided to let into my life, we have less of a past, but more of a future than mine own family. And no apologies. I have to reiterate, there is always a preciousness between kin, but between kindred spirits, one cannot neglect nor deny. So that's why I am not apologizing for too many text messages, nor the mistakes I may have made, because I expect the same from you. And if I am lucky I will be able to get those moments again. And with friends it is ok to say, "I want your time" " I need a hug" "I'm penniless buy me a drink."" These are ok under the friend terms. So I hammered this out for you so you may see, as the whole world is privy to this page, that it is ok to declare our friendship, but you and I can declare the terms and be ok with it for however we see fit. If you need my friendship, not my judgement, if you need my love, that is not a request beyond my capability. But I need your friendship as well, and honesty and maturity and trust come too. I want to. I am a willing person. No doubt. These words are meant for you. Friend.

david gray lyrics

Started talking and the line went dead
Never heard a single word you said

Babe I said I’d give my right arm,
Every day it hits me side on

Baby baby you’re the world to me

I woke up, the room was cold
Looking tired, feeling old
Cursin’ all the changes of the sea
The more I cursed into the flood
The less it seemed do me good
The clearer became my mind than I could say
Baby baby you’re the world to me

My head is roaring like a waterfall
Give me everything or none at all
You don’t have to turn the sound up
Babe I want you from the ground up
Baby baby you’re the world to me

Baby baby you’re the world to me

Baby baby you’re the world to me
Baby baby you’re the world to me

You don’t have to turn the sound up

Babe I want you from the ground up

Baby baby you’re the world to me

Iridescent like a starling
Won’t you be my little darling
Baby baby you’re the world to me

Baby baby you’re the world to me
Baby baby you’re the world to me

Carnelian

Since Christmas I've been wearing a carnelian pendant for overcoming sorrow, balancing my second chakra and healing wounds. It is suppose to help with everything from kidney problems to artistic endeavors, and all things that I am not able to achieve on my own. It's healing powers have already helped, but I don't know how much it will calm my soul if I continue to wear my heart on my sleeve?

A few beats more

Oh what use is the heart? Is it only there to hold you in paralysis? A giant beating thing that aches like when you've smoke to many cigarettes, or ran a mile down an unknown road. The heart brings you the ache so you know what is good, and what is sad. It brings on the emotion of caution, if you can describe caution. It makes you cry at a funeral, and sing out loud. It helps you tell the one you care about that they are the only one for you, and it will not rest till you lay helpless in their arms.

Cold Stare

I trip over my words and my feet. Do I apologize? I eat alone. I work as I should for the greater good. I dress up when I can. They noticed only the tag I left on the shirt.
Breakfast is better in the belly than landing on the lap.

I'm crossed and dotted, prepared for the next chapter.

her

Women come in many stripes. They conjure up images and divide us with love and hate. We take them as our mothers. We fight with them as enemies. We compete like sisters. We love like the endless cycle of the earth. When we are born female, we take on the world with women who surround us, fill us and guide us with a gentle hand, like only they can.

My scars are few

Bending the corners of my mind and enlisting the help of the inhabitants therein, I can begin the journey of complexity that is my future. Sometimes I'm as edgy as Tom Waits using a lead pipe as a megaphone while gargling glass, and other times the meanings of me are sweet, smooth and soothing like smoke from a hooka.
I only wish to leave this world with as little scars as possible, and leaving behind those pieces of flesh for the world to create upon.