My morning cup of rant

So the desk calendar I purchased the day they went half priced is of Mark Twain quotes. Today reads;

"You can't reason with your heart, it has its own laws, and thumps about things which the intellect scorns."

How extremely fitting.....
I being of sound mind, and of the female side of the species, should know better about following my own intuitions. Alas, no. I have given others the benefit of the doubt so I may run amok in my own fantasy, trying to capture and hold onto something that never will. Its very funny, the advice I find myself dishing out to others, and have been told, just recently in fact, that I should seek a career in the field of therapy. But, funny thing about therapists, they usually have fucked up relations too. We are all just human. I am forgiving myself for having been led astray. Now that I am aware of my present situation and all the lies and deceit, I can no longer continue to be drug through the dredges of her muck. So, dear readers, this is a quasi-apology to myself for the beatings. But I won't be so forgiving if I let it happen again. Thanks, I feel better about today after letting that out a little.

Cancerian feeling her moon

My posts coincide with my cycle.

For you

So my cell phone is almost dead.... It's sitting in the corner of the room on the charger. I am feeling less than poetic and you can tell from my previous posts I am capable of weaving some cryptic feely shit. But tonight its about staying warm ,while on the phone in the driveway, for a length with my best friend, while drinking southern comfort and coke. I watch my dog run out and bark at passers by and apologize for my rudeness. Overall I am still an attentive chatty bitch. I love Aisha for being the same, and I expect her to call me, forever till we die. Because we have established ourselves as sisters. Beyond color, beyond orientation and certainly beyond who our mothers are. She is mine. And I hers. We have touched, lived and lost together, as friends do. Over time this is an earned thing. Seeing each others lives and being comfortable with the space you have been put in. And with all of my friends I expect this sameness. This space we have been allotted. This loving place we have made our way to. Because with friends we have an understanding and forgiveness that not all families have. Not the same dynamic and forgiveness-Because here, in this friend, this person, stranger, I have decided to let into my life, we have less of a past, but more of a future than mine own family. And no apologies. I have to reiterate, there is always a preciousness between kin, but between kindred spirits, one cannot neglect nor deny. So that's why I am not apologizing for too many text messages, nor the mistakes I may have made, because I expect the same from you. And if I am lucky I will be able to get those moments again. And with friends it is ok to say, "I want your time" " I need a hug" "I'm penniless buy me a drink."" These are ok under the friend terms. So I hammered this out for you so you may see, as the whole world is privy to this page, that it is ok to declare our friendship, but you and I can declare the terms and be ok with it for however we see fit. If you need my friendship, not my judgement, if you need my love, that is not a request beyond my capability. But I need your friendship as well, and honesty and maturity and trust come too. I want to. I am a willing person. No doubt. These words are meant for you. Friend.

david gray lyrics

Started talking and the line went dead
Never heard a single word you said

Babe I said I’d give my right arm,
Every day it hits me side on

Baby baby you’re the world to me

I woke up, the room was cold
Looking tired, feeling old
Cursin’ all the changes of the sea
The more I cursed into the flood
The less it seemed do me good
The clearer became my mind than I could say
Baby baby you’re the world to me

My head is roaring like a waterfall
Give me everything or none at all
You don’t have to turn the sound up
Babe I want you from the ground up
Baby baby you’re the world to me

Baby baby you’re the world to me

Baby baby you’re the world to me
Baby baby you’re the world to me

You don’t have to turn the sound up

Babe I want you from the ground up

Baby baby you’re the world to me

Iridescent like a starling
Won’t you be my little darling
Baby baby you’re the world to me

Baby baby you’re the world to me
Baby baby you’re the world to me

Carnelian

Since Christmas I've been wearing a carnelian pendant for overcoming sorrow, balancing my second chakra and healing wounds. It is suppose to help with everything from kidney problems to artistic endeavors, and all things that I am not able to achieve on my own. It's healing powers have already helped, but I don't know how much it will calm my soul if I continue to wear my heart on my sleeve?

A few beats more

Oh what use is the heart? Is it only there to hold you in paralysis? A giant beating thing that aches like when you've smoke to many cigarettes, or ran a mile down an unknown road. The heart brings you the ache so you know what is good, and what is sad. It brings on the emotion of caution, if you can describe caution. It makes you cry at a funeral, and sing out loud. It helps you tell the one you care about that they are the only one for you, and it will not rest till you lay helpless in their arms.

Cold Stare

I trip over my words and my feet. Do I apologize? I eat alone. I work as I should for the greater good. I dress up when I can. They noticed only the tag I left on the shirt.
Breakfast is better in the belly than landing on the lap.

I'm crossed and dotted, prepared for the next chapter.

her

Women come in many stripes. They conjure up images and divide us with love and hate. We take them as our mothers. We fight with them as enemies. We compete like sisters. We love like the endless cycle of the earth. When we are born female, we take on the world with women who surround us, fill us and guide us with a gentle hand, like only they can.

My scars are few

Bending the corners of my mind and enlisting the help of the inhabitants therein, I can begin the journey of complexity that is my future. Sometimes I'm as edgy as Tom Waits using a lead pipe as a megaphone while gargling glass, and other times the meanings of me are sweet, smooth and soothing like smoke from a hooka.
I only wish to leave this world with as little scars as possible, and leaving behind those pieces of flesh for the world to create upon.

Four minutes away from the next chapter

Where am I going?
As far as the sparrow flies.
Where have I been?
Where the grass isn't afraid to die.

O negative

I am the leader of my temporary world.

I used to be younger.

I'm O negative to be amicable.

Such is life.

I can't begin to explain...

A bowhead whale was capturted and killed. The whale had a small piece of metal lodged in its neck. The piece of metal dated back to the 1880's. The whale itself was between 115-130 years old. I couldn't help but think how brutal a thing it is to kill something that has survived so many of man's atrocities.

Work thoughts

I don't think of myself as being a displaced, inconsistent, or temporary person. Yet others view me as such. And it is, and can only be because I find most of my jobs trivial. Not that hard work isn't important, on the contrary, hard work is very important, character building. I am a hard worker, and consistent if I have a good leader. So my answer to being so disinterested in work is; I need a leader I can follow, and I haven't any interest in becoming one if I don't believe in the work. Most of my characters that I write about are loners who are quite happy living on the fringe or living in their delusions, till they have a life changing experience and become their own personal hero. I plan on doing that. That's me in a nut shell.

A favorite poem

The Road Not Taken

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,

And sorry I could not travel both

And be one traveler, long I stood

And looked down one as far as I could

To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,

And having perhaps the better claim,

Because it was grassy and wanted wear;

Though as for that the passing there

Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay

In leaves no step had trodden black.

Oh, I kept the first for another day!

Yet knowing how way leads on to way,

I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh

Somewhere ages and ages hence:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference.

Robert Frost

Church of pain killers

There isn't anything quite like a toothache. The pain can be so intense it causes a ringing in your ear. As I am perpetually broke, tooth pain is something I am all to familiar with. Clove oil doesn't really work, not for long anyway. And the oragel shit usually numbs my tongue and throat if I'm not careful. I only pray when the dentist and I finally come together to battle this ailment, I don't have to have a root-canal (another one).
Blessed pain killers.