I need to make an eye appointment.

I saw Venus in the produce section

I am a seeker.

I walked into the rooms of addiction seeking a better way.

When I couldn't get clean on my own, I sought community.

I sought truth.

I had a friend.

for 16 years we grew up, then grew apart. Like a tree hit by lightning.

I tried to make amends, but she reminded me that forgiveness does not mean

I get to come back, I'm not a part of her bark anymore,

we'll always have the same roots,

but the fruit we bear now holds different knowledge.

Different experience. Different sweets. Different sours.

And when I look back,

I realize I've come a long way.

I'm not looking for my other half,

I am looking for my parts to make me whole

That got dismembered.

That got damaged.

How dare I?

I don't look to my friends as fixers, dealers, or something in between.

I look beyond those standing on the side lines – waiting for the answers to hit them in the head.

My friends are dirty, poor, and rich with the work. Doing the work.

I look to the other truth seekers.

In the rooms,

we moan together,

we cry together,

and laughter falls out the doors, into the halls for all to hear.

Because life is bigger than that thing we drank,

for me it was 24 years of hiding in a bottle.

Lost in it. Avoiding. Not seeking.

As I write

about love,

it does not mean I've found love.

Just as one who writes about a blister,

is not a blister. Is not an expert on skin conditions.

If I wrote about broken bones,

I am not a broken bone. I've never set one that has gone astray.

I know of love because it was there once,

disguised as a four letter word.

Wearing a fancy hat,

flocked and feathered,

not fearless,

but full of fuckery.

and now it grows for me.

Only me. I seek to be free.

I seek to build mine back up,

those smarts I dumbed down.

And we walk together,

arm in arm,

running into each other,

at the grocery store,

smiling 'cus tonight we're going to remember to eat vegetables,

smiling 'cus we sober as fuck.

Here we go down aisle 9,

holding tight to our list,

crossing things off,

one at a time.