gravel peel faithfulness

When the route reveals you

I sing.
I am sad.
The trauma is there.
The confusion is there.
I won't use a bible verse to convey the mixed feelings of my heart.
I don't care if you ever glance my way.
Because I feel what I feel because they are my feelings. All the muck and grime of living,
and breathing.
I feel the sadness of my friends' dad's death anniversary.
I want to cry. But it's stuck.
I have this ache inside of wanting someone to make me feel whole when the world has sucked me dry. If you only knew how hard I have to work to get through.

This is my confession.

This is my priest.

I tell you I am sick. I am neglected. I am all the things real and felt. I am proud, and hurt. I am all these things all at once. I am allowed to feel.
And I hold compassion in my heart for those who suffer. And I'm also stubborn in what I give out. Because I give out too much.

---Save your receipts for the returns.

And I exist because I have kept going, fighting, loving myself.
And I do miss you. You showed up in my dream last night to be exact. You told me you love me. And I did not say it back. I got in the car with a woman named Daisy, that I've never met in real life. But I've helped keep her sober. And I got in her truck and drove away.
That is exactly how I feel. Confused.
How am I?

I really dislike the sound of my housemate's laugh. It is like chalk on blackboard. I am full, and I am sometimes petty. I have less headaches. I still don't do the things I used to do when I get lonely. But sometimes I move from alone to lonely and back again. And that is how I ebb and flow.
And I described to my therapist the duality of my being. And the tip of my tongue is not being bit off...because it is okay. I am okay. I am okay. I am loved.

and now i cry.