She was the drain

I was thinking of her all the day through. I am trying to be good. I kept her in the front of my lobe so as to not absorb all the other flighty fronty fixtures of frustration frolicking around me. I wanted her smell. I could smell it...or could I? Work followed me home, stuck to the bottom of my soul and weighed me down. I tried to shake it off with bites of chocolate but to no avail. I looked for solace in the words of others, but still no abounding luxury of release. Then as if she snuck in unannounced she led me to the bathtub. I rinsed the remnants of me down the drain and saw the strands of the weekend appear. There was the brightest bit of red, glowing, inviting me to join. I sank down to the waters edge and smelled the lavender all around. The water was warm and engulfed me like arms I longed for.It was sweet and caressing and danced like the acoustics of the guitar. Thank you words of her. You were my drain at the end of my long day.

A million years, a million tears, a few more beers.

I am trying to tame my monkey mind to go to sleep! Jazz is coming out my speakers. I love 89.1 KMHD. I am happy listening to the rolling sticks of Max Roach or Shorty Rogers. I can't express my gratitude enough for the amazing vocals I heard on the track "Lonesome Lover" set down by Abbey Washington. I tried to buy the cd at Everyday music this evening, could not find it, but purchased Ella sings the Johnny Mercer songbook, and Maria Callas. Listened to Callas all the way home from the theater and continue to orchestrate and conduct along even as I left the Wendy's Drive-thru. Bless that voice!! Oh sleep visit me because I know my hands don't want to rest, I know my body is twitchy and fending off Monday. I want late night text messages to light up my bedside table and distract my slumber and prolong the work week ahead. I really want to tell all those people to go fuckthemselvesandleavepoormealonetojustearnapaycheck, but alas, I smile pretty and get the best revenge by being cheerful and acting like the offspring of Teflon and Fonzie. Shit don't stick to this kind of cool. Goodnight folks. Please bring me some sunshine soon so I can sleep in the afternoons in the backyard grass and read poetry. Oh please oh please oh please.

Broken Ankle

I was probably eight years old and it was the typical Fresno summer afternoon. I was on summer vacation and I'd been playing all day with the neighbor kids and my best friend Brandon. I was hiding in the tree house like a sniper. I had my plastic M16 that I just loved because when you pulled the trigger it made the automatic rifle noise and it was spray painted in a day glow camouflaged way. I was barefoot that day. And I remember Bill, the neighbor who lived next door came in the backyard or yelled over the fence and told me to come down. I liked Claudine and Bill the neighbors. Their house was right next door and they had a nicer house than ours. It was a brick, ranch style home with a touch of mid-century modern. The carport was always cool on the summer nights and let the breeze through. When my mom and dad would talk to them late in the evening, I remember playing out there catching June bugs and eyeballing the canned sodas for their grandkids.
I used to ride my skateboard all over that street. I was the female ambassador of that street. I was the night watchman all summer long too. Brandon and I would catch as many June bugs as we could in the evening as they swarmed under the street lamps.
That day that Bill yelled for me to come down from the tree house I didn't understand what he wanted. I didn't understand why he wanted me to go to his house. He was a tall man who always wore blue overalls, and suffered from emphysema. He was so tall he just stood above the fence and peered up at me. I came down from the tree house but I was hesitant. He said my mom and dad had left and he and Claudine were to watch me. I was confused and didn't believe him. I had the flight or fight instinct and I ran and hid in my backyard. My dogs, my faithful friends, sensed my fear and immediately barked and protected me from Bill. I hid in the corner behind the deck near the sliding glass door, and when I saw Bill, face red and angry, come around the corner huffing and puffing I ran out the side gate and headed for the sidewalk. I took off to the right, past three other houses, running like I was being chased, running like I had somewhere to go. I was running like I was going to find my parents who had mistakenly left me and forgot to tell me. Bill wasn't following so close behind. Alice and David, our other favorite neighbors just started backing out of the driveway and had to step quickly on their brakes to avoid hitting me. I had to break stride to avoid the car and barefoot I ran on further when "Snap." I felt pain and discomfort and started limping. I stopped, adrenaline kept me from feeling the pain, but I couldn't run anymore. Bill caught me and I started to cry. He took me back to his house. Claudine soaked my foot with ice packs and I sat, sweaty and disillusioned. Bill sat with his oxygen mask, tired and winded from running after me. Claudine was very upset. She spoke to my mom and I saw all their adult faces wondering where I was going? Where had I expected to end up? Was I going to find my parents? All the neighbors thought I had gone crazy.
Mom took me to the doctor that evening. I had fractured my ankle. I was sent home with a cast and crutches. My mom was questioning me more when we got home, but I hadn't any answers. She just decided instead to call everyone, family and friends, to gossip about my "episode".
I ran that day because I just felt abandoned. My sister had joined the Army not soon before this. And my other sister had a life too. Everyone was leaving me, so I felt, in my young mind. But I didn't know how to say those things. I didn't want to stay with strangers, so was running away and I broke my ankle. That was all. I just could never say it till now.

Spring has sprung a leak

Oh lord how did I toggle myself into this mess? Is that another week ahead of me? Seemingly normal situations have completely fallen to pieces before me and I keep playing out my actions on a loop. Sleep deprived and insane I stumble on, hoping sobriety will catch me and spin me around and kiss me back to reality. Tell me "Get a grip! You are not at the bottom of a glass."
Oh the beauty of life's little blessings won't be revealed till later when my demons go back to sleep.
Hello spring equinox, thanks for poking me into this dancing, fairy state. The new is quite tasty and I find her bottom lip insatiable.
Spring has left a nasty pink in my left eye and my vision is blurred not blind. I am aware of my present state, and anxiety has loosened hold of my chest for the time being. I want to run away.
Please come find me another day.

Bye bye mighty max

Thank you my friend for keeping me safe and being there when I needed someone to take me home. I slept in the back when I was coming down. I slept in the back when I was camping. I slept in the front when the sun shone. I got dirty with you. I saw some of the most beautiful things with you. I wrote stories only capable with you as my transport. I can't thank you enough.I gave you the name "El Trucko Magnifico" and I will never forget you!!!! Good luck! Vaya con dios.

bordertown

-I seek to better understand
> what it means to be human
> -to be patient and kind to everyone I meet
> -to give part of myself to those less
> fortunate than myself
> -To Live each day Simply..
> One Day at a Time

Splitting self-actualization

Human beings cannot be reduced to components.
Human beings have in them a uniquely human context.
Human consciousness includes an awareness of oneself in the context of other people.
Human beings have choices and non desired responsibilities.
Human beings are intentional, they seek meaning, value and creativity.

• The story of the human race is the story of men and women selling themselves short.

• Victory depends on whether or not a duelist has the courage to fight until the bitter end.

• What is necessary to change a person is to change his awareness of himself.

• If you plan on being anything less than you are capable of being, you will probably be unhappy all the days of your life.

• The way to recover the meaning of life and the worthwhileness of life is to recover the power of experience, to have impulse voices from within, and to be able to hear these impulse voices from within-and make the point: This can be done.

• The good society is one in which virtue pays.

• What shall we think of a well-adjusted slave?

• Laugh at what you hold sacred, and still hold it sacred.

Abraham Maslow