A long month....Come on May

Wednesday, Apr 30th, 2008 -- You may be able to find the stability that you seek in love, but it may be less personal than you wish. One-on-one intimate relationships are less important now that Venus is entering your 11th House of Groups. The distinction between friendship and love is blurred, motivating you to spend more time with your buddies over the next few weeks. You are able get along more easily with others and they will want to be with you, too. So enjoy the social opportunities as they arise.

Duel

I feel as loopy as Harvey Dent.
Can you relate as I vent?
Late at night and sleep won't come.
Fry and Bender bang the drum.

The Enlightened Line

It's been awhile since I told this story so I figured I'd bring some folks up to speed.....
Back in November 1999 I was riding the Amtrak north from Fresno to my home in Sacramento. If you've ever taken this journey you would know that it doesn't take too long and there isn't much to see. There are plenty of farms to look at and the foothills are just beyond them.
The day was bright. The sun was high. I was extremely relaxed and contemplative. I had just had a small feast at my parents house and the affects were with me still. I was happy about the independence of my traveling alone and I was reading a book that had been given to me by a friend called, The World of Zen - An East west anthology. It is subtitled "The first comprehensive anthology of Zen Buddhism."
I was quite absorbed in this new philosophy. I had tried other ways to expand my mind before but never had such insight come from one source. With every turned page I found myself nodding my head in complete understanding. This was the second book I had read on the subject and it was to be just the beginning of a long list of books to come. (The first book about Buddhism I ever read, by the way, was "The Empty Mirror" by, Janwillem van de Wetering. A great author who chronicles his experience with Buddhism. And the third, if memory serves, was "Zen Flesh, Zen Bones" by, Paul Reps.) But the most interesting part of this journey was not the book. It was my state of mind.
As I sat there I felt an overwhelming calm sweep over me. It felt like I conquered something and a sense of pride, but without ego, entered where there had been fatigue
....And it was as if the the whole world just had been put on slow-motion. From my perspective the train was moving through this cosmic-space-time-continuum. I looked out the window and the glare of the sunlight's reflection on the irrigated fields was the most beautiful golden color rippling along with the motion of the train. All the sounds around me at that point seemed to be muffled like voices underwater. This stillness and calm did not leave my perception for sometime. It was the greatest "high" I had ever felt and sobering all at once. From that moment on I felt like a more enlightened being because I was living for that beautiful moment, like a dream I wished not to wake from. I took that train ride and never looked back.
It was a deeply spiritual moment for me and I couldn't ever deny what I felt that day. It was my shining moment of mindfulness and my sudden glimpse at nothingness, nirvana, and satori. That is why I'm a follower of the Buddha.

Today I am this time

One day

One day I will stand under the Eiffel tower.
One day I will stand on the deck of a boat that is sailing near the Alaskan shoreline.
One day I will visit the home of Hunter S. Thompson and see where he lived and died.
One day I will hike from Oregon to California.
One day I will play a composition I wrote on the piano.
One day I will show an audience of people a movie I made about a girl who helped out a survivor of a Japanese internment camp.
One day I will live in a house that I crafted.
One day I will grow a successful organic vegetable garden.
One day I will have no bills.
One day I will stare at a person I won't fear to love.
One day I will learn to sew.
One day I will be more than a self.
One day I will have a Sangha.
One day the community I have will be my Sangha.
One day I will read a Mark Twain novel.
One day I will get published in The Sun.
One day I will feel confident to be without labels.
One day soon.

Some truth about my addiction

Coffee is a mildly putrid drink made of dried, sometimes over-roasted, or burned beans. Then to extract a drink we drip hot water over the ground beans to activate the oils and blend the coffee with water. The acid of the coffee is certainly not good for my teeth, bladder or kidneys. To enhance the flavor I put at least a spoonful of sugar in every cup and cool it off with some vanilla soy milk. It is an expensive habit costing me because I brew a strong pot every morning and buy coffee out. I pay up to 10.99 a lb. Plus 1.99 a lb. for sugar, and another 2 bucks for every carton of soy. If I order a espresso drink out, well, 3.50 a cup at a cafe.
Having said all this... I love coffee. I love the ritual. I grind my beans every morning. I make a conscience effort to buy organic, shade grown, and fair traded blends, and locally roasted whenever possible. My sugar is usually organic turbinado I buy in bulk. My soymilk, organic, non-GMO.
I have been drinking coffee since about the age of fourteen. I started ditching class to go write poetry and consume cup after cup. Sometimes never stepping foot on campus. Whenever a cup is in my hand I am drinking in a familiar, a taste that will always be. I enjoy the ritual. Some weeks I ween myself of the caffeine for my health, and to calm the jitters, but the coffee ritual is hard to break because of the creative juices that come. I get stuff done in the morning. I get up early and I enjoy the sun rise with a cup in my hand. How can you argue that? Its part of me. I think coffee rings will always find their way on my journal, car, and life.

I can't stop this song

Confessions of Stealing

The first item that I ever stole was a handful of loose marbles from the drug store. They were just lying there out of the package, and I had such a fondness for them. The smooth glass in the palm of my hand felt cold at first then they warmed with my touch and I thought of the feeling of playing marbles with my friends when I went to school the next day. The pride of having shiny new marbles to show was enough to convince me to take them. I discreetly put them in my pocket and away they went with me. I remember one of them being black, with a greenish-yellow cat eye in the middle. It was a pretty thing. Probably about the same time as this both of my sisters were doing community service for shoplifting at that same mall. One of them got busted for lifting make-up at that same drug store. If I had been caught it would have been very bad. I would have got the belt for sure. But I didn't. What ever happened to those marbles?

A poem by Rumi

Love Said to Me

I worship the moon.
Tell me of the soft glow of a
candle light
and the sweetness of my moon.

Don't talk about sorrow,
tell me of that treasure,
hidden if it is to you,
then just remain silent.

Last night
I lost my grip on reality
and welcomed insanity.
Love
saw me and said,
I showed up.
Wipe you tears
and be silent.

I said, O Love
I am frightened,
but it's not you.
Love said to me,
there is nothing that is not me.
be silent.

I will whisper secrets in your ear
just nod yes
and be silent.

A soul moon
appeared in the path of my heart.
How precious is this journey.

I said, O Love
what kind of moon is this?
Love said to me,
this is not for you to question.
be silent.

I said, O Love
what kind of face is this,
angelic, or human?
Love said to me,
this is beyond anything that you know.
Be silent.

I said, please reveal this to me
I am dying in anticipation.
Love said to me,
that is where I want you:
Always on the edge,
be silent.
You dwell in this hall of
images and illusions,
leave this house now
and be silent.

I said, O Love,
tell me this:
Does the Lord know you are
treating me this way?
Love said to me,
yes He does,
just be totally…
totally… silent

Manic moment

Tonight I look to the indiscriminatory page to filter out the bad thoughts and take away the bubbles of stress lingering in my chest. Family drama plays like a bad soap. Writers stop the strike and give us a happy ending to go by. I want to see the clouds in a new way. I want to worship the blue in the sky, and wave problems goodbye. So tonight may sweet dreams come. I will play some melodic music to set my soul free and calm the neurosis of the mentality. Thank you for your ears the two that are attached to the head that I am related. Thank you for the years that we have made our acquaintance.